So Far, I'm Not Full of It...

Monday, eight miles on the recumbent stationary bike.

Tuesday, eight miles on the recumbent stationary bike.

Wednesday, five miles on the recumbent stationary bike. (I would have done more, but it was getting late and I wanted to make time to iron some shirts for Steinvic. Not that he wanted me to or that he'd have cared if I didn't, but when he's gone, I like to do things to help him out. Makes me feel closer somehow and miss him just a tiny bit less. By the way, Houdini is wonderful in many ways but he is NOT a good helper on ironing. Cute, though...very, very cute.)

I'd be walking and walking Houdini, too, but it's been raining. Houdini does not like wet paws. I know, right? We've already been shopping for boots for His Majesty for when the snow hits. THAT should be interesting.

I'm sticking to the morning smoothie, mixing it up a little with different fruits and yogurts that Steinvic picked up last weekend.

Light lunches. Light dinners. Stretching and moving a little more at work.

And you know something? I pulled on a pair of jeans last weekend, one size smaller. They were snug, but they fit and weren't so tight that I looked foolish or couldn't wear them.

It's progress. Slow, steady, progress, but enough to encourage me to not slack.

Here's to keeping promises, especially the ones that you make to yourself...

I'm Alive!

I feel like shouting it from the rooftops...I am finally creeping my way out of the cold that has had it's slimy arms wrapped around me all week. MAN! That was a doozy!

Something is going around. When I went home from work one day this week (one of my feeble attempts to actually function normally) there was a young guy walking out ahead of me. I saw him mop his forehead with a handkerchief and when I got outside, he was crouching on the ground. "Are you okay?" I asked. "I think I might get sick...I'm going home." I asked if he needed me to get Security for him (like, should this kid be driving home?) and he said thanks, no, he'd be okay. I hope he is. Just in our department, we had a mom out with her baby because of pink eye, and another person on our team out with a 24-hour something...it's just disease city around here.

I'm thankful to be REALLY getting better now. I don't feel as spacey. I'm using a Kleenex per hour instead of a Kleenex per minute. Just want to interject here that I am a somewhat compulsive hand-washer who uses hand-sanitizer and is probably a slight germaphobe. And I still got sick. So. Just something to think about if you're as obsessive as I can be about the hygiene. Maybe it's not worth it. What am I saying?! Of course it is! I could have caught something much worse, right?

I sometimes forget how lucky I am when I'm feeling healthy. Thank your lucky stars if you're feeling well today!

Best Intentions

I totally believed I'd post here this past weekend, and I didn't. I did sleep in a little bit each day, and I did wake and clean and organize some cabinets. I did sew and cook and dust. I spent time with Steinvic.

But I didn't post here.

There are some things that are going on that I would like to write about. But there are some things that are too difficult to write about.

My poetry guru would tell me to write about it even if I was too close to it. Even if I didn't let another soul read it now.

But I can't.

Steinvic and I are fine. Closer than ever. But someone we love deeply is in real trouble and our family is trying to get a grasp on it.

It doesn't seem right to write about it now. And yet, I can hardly think of anything else.

So...just for tonight, take some time to actually count your blessings. Hug everyone you love extra close. Thank G*d for your sanity, your health and a solid roof over your head. We are so lucky...

Home Again & Prophetic Dreams

So, I planned to post more on vacation than I did, but what can I say? The Internet connection was a little funky at times and we were busy.

But, we had a great time, got lots of sun, had a nice overnight in Nashville on the way home, and this morning, we went back to work. Young Man headed back to Columbus last evening and started a new job this morning: landscaping! I hope it wasn't too tough of a day for him...

Right now, Steinvic is at a Reds game with our friend, and I'm working on getting the house back in order.

I had some strange dreams on vacation, and before you think I've lost my marbles, let me say that I'm not trying to say I'm psychic, that I believe in ghosts, that I can communicate with the dead, that I'm special or anything like that.

But my Grandma visited me three times in my sleep on vacation. The third dream was a message for Young Man: watch out for spiders while you're landscaping. She showed me doorways where spiders were lurking and was specific in telling me that he needed to be careful. Okay...

The second and first dream, though, contained messages for me. And the message was clear: "Get off the pill! It's killing you!" In the first dream, she was wringing her hands with a dishcloth, just like I'd seen her do a million times in her comfortable kitchen.

In the second dream, she was more emphatic and aggitated. She was holding this very white baby, who I've seen her hold in my dreams before...the baby looks like he is made of china...he is so white and smooth. Somehow, I know his name is Samuel. In this dream, he is screaming and she is rocking and bouncing him, and she is telling me again, "Stop taking the pill! It's killing you! Do you hear me?"

It was so real, I woke with this lump in my throat. I got online and found all this information about the particular brand I've been taking, and about the symptoms of having excess estrogen, and about how the pill isn't a good solution for people who have endometriosis, even though it's commonly prescribed as a "fix."

I read the list of symptoms and there wasn't one that I haven't experienced. I felt this rush of heat to my face, and thought...how could I not have figured this out before? I've had four different doctors and none of them...no one listened to my symptoms and concluded that maybe the pill was hurting and not helping? Every single one of them ratched up the prescription, giving me stronger and stronger brands, never thinking that they were making me worse?

I went on the pill in my late teens and it was supposed to help with cramps. And aside from a few months, I've been on it ever since. I'll be 39 this year. No one ever said, "Hey...you've been on this almost 20 years. Lets give your body a break!" or "You know weight gain, depression, anxiety, splotchy skin, rashes, abnormalities in appetite, pain, swelling, bloating and fatigue are all signs of excessive estrogen, and since the pill contains estrogen, it's not the best solution for you?"

I know the Internet is full of false information, but this is info from reliable sites. I'm no dummy...I'm careful in my research.

So, I did something kinda crazy. I quit taking it. I didn't call my doctor first, I didn't wait and see, I just did what I felt urgently I needed to do.

This morning, two days off, I was really nauseous and dizzy. Hot and then cold. No appetite today. I'm better now and hungry, but not ravenous...not like usually, where I feel these waves of starvation and shakiness.

I know that coming off mega doses of hormones might suck, but you know what really sucks? The suspicion that I've wasted a lot of years feeling bad...and that I put my trust into doctors who didn't deserve it.

Probably more personal info in this post than you're used to getting from me, but maybe there is a lesson learned in this for someone else. I'll let you know how it goes!