Christmas Recovery

We had a great Holiday. Steinvic and I celebrated on Christmas Eve – just us. We had cocktails at our local, a fabulous cheese & cracker and homemade soup feast at home, and then exchanged gifts and fell asleep on the couch during “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

We were lazy on Christmas Day until time to go to my folks, and Young Man and Girlfriend met us there. One of my (distant by logistics only) older cousins (she’s English, and 80 going on 50-something) was also there, and her love of music and sparkly personality kept the kids smiling. Young Man and my Mom bonded over their love for jazz records and made a date to get together to compare and share vinyl soon.

The kids, Steinvic and I all headed home and had our own Christmas there, sharing stories and joking in the kitchen while I made appetizers for the day after celebration at Steinvic’s sister’s home. Suddenly, we realized it was 1 a.m. and that would have been fine, save for the kids needing to get up and head for Columbus REALLY early (6 a.m.!) so everyone was off to bed.

I woke up early to make strong coffee in travel mugs and pack up some blueberry muffins for the kids' long, dark commute home, then slept a wee bit more and then we were up to get ready and drive to Columbus. A full house – all siblings and their kids – gathered around big, beautiful tables for an Italian feast, which was fantastic. Then lots of drinking and visiting and finally sleep.

Then back home yesterday…and we’re worn out, and both back to work today. I’ve managed to get some kind of goofy sore throat, watery eyes funk, probably from all the running around I’ve been doing. Seems like my body has a cut off for how long I am permitted to burn the candle at both ends, and then BOOM – hello, cold! Just need to shake it before next week…we’re headed out West for a belated honeymoon!

It’s time to load up on the B12, B6 and Vitamin C…and relax!

In the Club

I've spent the last week joyfully changing my last name to match Steinvic's.

I actually had a colleague tell me that she was disappointed...that my maiden name "carried a lot of power" because it was the name I'd had most of my life, and a name I worked really hard to get back when I went through the divorce from Hell.

She has a point, but I really felt strongly about having the same last name as Steinvic, primarily because I adore him, and also because I love his family and what they stand for. I feel like I have a whole army of people who love and support me. While I know my Mom and her husband love me, too, I am grateful for the amount sincere welcoming and acceptance I've recieved from Steinvic's people. It's amazing.

Actually, I was the last of my last name. With my Dad dead, my sister married, my Mom remarried...well, it's an odd feeling. In one way, given everything in my life, I felt like a survivor, and wearing that last name was a reminder that I could stand on my own and handle anything thrown (hurled, catapulted, shot) at me.

But in another...well, there is something very lonely about being the last one standing. Our unique qualities can make us feel so different that we feel solitary.

And while I believe that as much as possible, I have always had Steinvic's understanding, having his last name makes me feel like I belong. Not in a possessive way, but in an accepting way. I'm one of the gang. I'm in the club.

And it's a damn fine place to be...

It's Official!

Steinvic and I are married!

We drove to Columbus Wednesday morning, ran a few last minute errands, then met our family at the chapel. My Mom and C, Steinvic's Mom, Young man and Girlfriend all gathered for our short, but meaningful, ceremony. At the end, lots of hugs as our families united. It was awesome.

Then we went to a nature preserve nearby for some photos. It was a gorgeous setting and a beautiful day, but it was also pretty windy. I was a little skeptical about the photos turning out, but we've already received some proofs and they're lovely.

Then, we all converged on a local independent Italian restaurant for a late lunch, which was perfect. My folks had to get back to Cincinnati because C had to work. Steinvic's Mom headed her own way, and the kids went home. And we checked into the Hyatt, who saw our Wedding Wear and instantly upgraded our room, no charge. Really sweet...

We went to our favorite bar there and saw some family and more friends. The drinks were flowing, and we had a great time with everyone. Everyone greeted me with my new last name and that was kind of surreal, but I'm pretty excited about it and I'm quickly getting used to it!

So now we're back home, relaxing and enjoying our time off together. Heading for a movie in a little bit, too...

OH! Gifts. Steinvic bought me an incredible wedding present, which he totally didn't have to do. I wasn't expecting it at all, but I'm the proud owner of an iPod Touch and it ROCKS. He also gave me the car adapter, so I can once again travel in style. I am still getting to know all the features but wow...it's like having a computer and a stereo all in the palm of my hand. I think we're both going to enjoy it for a long time. (And I can play Scrabble on it!)

And I bought Steinvic a special piece of jewelry. It's an original design that a silversmith I have used before collaborated with me to create. It's a sterling bracelet with a "compass" design on it, but instead of just the N,S,E,W on the compass rose, we incorporated 71 North and South, a heart and a shamrock. Handmade, multilayered...I love this sentimental gift. The silversmith even personally delivered it to me so I would have it in time for our wedding. And Steinvic loves it, which is the best part. I don't know if he'll wear it every day, but so far, he has.

Okay...I'm outta here. We have a movie to catch and another evening to celebrate!

Where does a week go?

It's Tuesday, and Steinvic was home for the weekend and then outta here this morning at 6:55. (Aren't you glad I didn't say, "then was outta here this morning at 6:55 a.m."? That morning + a.m. thing is one of my pet peeves...) We had a great weekend of catching up and cozying back in...sure wasn't ready for him to head back out today. But, he'll be home tomorrow, so I'm just looking forward to that.

Since I last posted, I've been to a couple stores (okay, five) looking for a suitable dress. So far, no luck. I know what I want, and just have to hope that what I see in my brain will appear before my eyes as well.

At some point in the last 100 hours, it occured to me that in just two months, Steinvic and I are getting married. And that is an awesome thing.

However, it also means we need to get our butts in gear on the planning and doing of it all.

Never fear...this isn't going to become a wedding blog. But...the wedding is what is on my mind right now and since this blog is a peek into my brain, I will probably be talking about it a little bit!

We now have a venue for the wedding party - we're not calling it a reception, because it's way less formal than that - and we've preshopped a bunch of things, including Steinvic's suit, meaningful favors, menu items... We just need to wrap up the details.

But it's happening...it's really, really happening. And I couldn't be happier...

More soon... (I really didn't mean to be away for so long, but I got stuck on a different post and decided to nix it.)

We're Home!

Whew...we're back! What a long and wonderful and eventful vacation! Let me break it down for you...

Tuesday the 2oth was the first of our two U2 shows. We met up with Steinvic's brother (who was in town on business) and all went over to the Westgate Center together for some pre-show drinks and snacks. His brother didn't have seats with us, so we split up and got our seats. If you like the Black Eyed Peas, you'd be so very happy...I am not a fan but they were HOT. Lots of energy, and you could tell they were totally enjoying being on U2's big ol' fancy stage.

Fast forward to a third into the show...I was completely into "Beautiful Day." That song is my devotional...read the words. I listen to it every morning when I get into the car, before anything else. It means so much to me...lifts my heart. So, all of the sudden, at the end of the song, Steinvic takes my hand. My LEFT hand.

"It's a beautiful day...I don't want you to get away..." he begins, playing off the lyrics. The look on his face...locked in my mind forever. "Will you marry me?" he asked, beginning to put the most wonderful ring on my finger.

"YES!!!! Yes, I will! Will you marry me????" I don't even know why I said that! I think I must have just been so excited and wanted him to know how much I wanted this. But he didn't hear me anyway, because he was hugging and kissing me. We were so happy.

It didn't take too long for the people behind us to figure out what was going on and pat us on the back, give the thumbs up...I showed them my ring and exclaimed, "We're engaged!!" and the joy just flowed. I will never, ever forget that moment as long as I live.

People keep asking me about that concert and I can't tell anyone anything about it after The Ring. I kept thinking about how lucky I am, how wonderful it is to have Real Love, to be able to celebrate it and talk about it and the future without hesitation... I don't remember the concert. Just calling a few of our precious people, like my Mom and Step Dad, and our friend Em, and looking through that open venue to the skies and thinking how my Grandma got to see the whole thing...how happy she must be. Blessed. I am blessed.

We met with Seinvic's brother after and the traffic was dense, so we stopped for celebratory drinks. Thanks to the lovely bartender at Shout Out's for the round of Jaeger Bombs...that was so kind.

Then home...and that is all for part one...

Finding My Direction

I'm here and with the help of Steinvic, survived what I thought would be the toughest time of my life.

I made it to Columbus on Friday night and was greeted with the biggest hug imaginable from Steinvic. And a card, and a small stuffed friend and a giant glass of vodka and club soda. (And a scratch off lottery ticket, because well...we're always hopeful.)I have loved him for so long, but how I realized just how much I also need him as soon as I saw his face.

He listened to all the things I'd been thinking and feeling through the course of the day on Friday. I have to tell you...I wasn't feeling much. Totally locked out. But he listened. Our friends listened. And I was glad to be there.

He told me that at the resort that was hosting our Family Reunion, he had made a reservation for me at the spa for a de-stressing massage and a facial. I had never had a spa experience and he said he felt I needed it now more than ever. I didn't even know what to say.

We arrived at the resort and he and his son dropped me off at the spa. I had a fifty-minute massage ("You have a lot of tension in your shoulders..." you think?!)and a thirty-minute facial. New dress we'd found last week and hosiery and shoes. The best company and comforting from his siblings and their special others. Thoughtful cards and sincere sympathy amidst the happy family banter.

It was exactly what I needed. Princess treatment and love like I've never felt before. My Grandma would be so happy to know that I have such love surrounding me. That is what she would have chosen for me, had she the power.

I didn't go to work today. My jaw has been locked up for days and finally hit a max. I woke up with a hellacious headache. Steinvic stayed home with me...he didn't have to, but said that he told his boss he needed to take care of me.

I am not accustomed - even with as devoted as Steinvic has been - to being taken care of. For the first time ever, I'm allowing it to happen. How will I ever thank him and his family?

I'll go back to the real world tomorrow. A world where I don't have the compass I had before in my Grandma, but a world in which I think I can make it...with a little help from the people who really, truly love me.

I really, really miss my sweet friend. But I am so thankful for the people who remain here on this planet to love and guide me.

The Days...They Fly By...

I realize I haven't posted in a while...you might be thinking it's because I've fully given in to my OCD desires and that I've been doing nothing but vacuuming for the last week and a half.

But that just isn't so...

Instead, I've just been up to a little of this and that. In the evenings, keeping on the exercise train.

It has snowed here two days this week and while there is no accumulation, it's a sign that Winter still has it's cold, bare branches wrapped around Spring's young throat. Winter needs to eff off.

Besides all that, I've beeen helping my Mom ready her house for the family Easter dinner.

My Mom, her husband and I have rearranged furniture, dusted, polished, vacuumed, name it. It looks lovely. It's ready for family.

Steinvic is coming down tomorrow night (he took off Good Friday) which is wonderful and I'm totally looking forward to the extra evening with him this weekend, thought I have to get up and go in to work on Friday morning. Still, I get to leave early that day and when I get home, he'll already be there. As simple as that sounds, it's a treat we don't get to enjoy so often since we're in different cities.

Steinvic wanted to contribute to the celebration and so he is buying/picking up/transporting the Easter Ham. Even though I'm a vegetarian, I think it's a really special idea and my Mom (and the other guests, too!) will certainly enjoy and appreciate it. (Thank you for making the extra effort, babe!) I hope his son can join us, too.

We might meet up with a friend of ours on Friday night, if her schedule allows, and then on Saturday with another friend and his new girlfriend.

I'm looking forward to the weekend big time and it's only Wednesday! I swear I'm not wishing the week away...just can't wait for time with Steinvic, our family and friends.

Isn't that what it's all about?

Best Version of Love

Valentine's Day has me thinking...I remember what "grade school love" was like... do you? Your first crush? When you'd see that kid in your class who made you blush a little, and you'd get all tongue tied and self conscious? And then you'd see that person do something unappealing (like eating pencil erasers) and the butterflies would float right out the window. Um, next!

Or high school love, where if you had a boyfriend or girlfriend, the relationship became part of your identity. Though if you secretly "liked" someone and word got out, it could be humiliating. (Why did we subject ourselves to it, anyway?)

I remember liking a boy in marching band and my good friend, Kecia, volunteering to "talk to him" for me, because they were on friendly terms and she thought it would help my cause if he knew I was interested.

Kecia came back to tell me that he said that he planned to ask out the majorette, but that if she said no, he'd consider asking me out.

While I'm still no Champion of Self Esteem, it was in that moment that a small bloom began to form on that thorny tree that I now call a personality... I asked Kecia to tell the guy to forget it.

When Steinvic and I met, the timing may not have been ideal...or maybe it was perfect. We were both walking (rapidly) away from faulty relationships. Mine was horrifying and his...well, I won't speak for him. But I think it was hard to have his life (and his son's life) change pretty dramatically and quickly. So, we were both in strange places. We found each other and hung on, mostly laughing, enjoying our new friendship and feeling fortunate, sometimes crying while sorting through it (okay, okay...I'm the crier, not Steinvic!), but knowing all the while that we had something solid and good and most importantly, honest.

Living in different cities isn't always easy - there are little things I miss, like the occasional informal get together with friends or family during the work week. And big things, like curling up next to him before I drift off to sleep. But living apart has allowed us to get to know each other gradually and become best friends. And to really appreciate each other. In retrospect, that was probably best, considering everything.

So now, love seems to be a combination of the varieties of love I remember from long ago, and more. I still get a grade school, fluttery stomach when I see Steinvic walking toward me. Different, though, because now, if I learned that he eats pencil erasers, I'd probably think, "Ugh!" but then go look up the best pencil eraser recipes I could find. Because, you know...that is what you do when you love someone.

And it's kind of like high school love, too, because having Steinvic in my life is definitely part of my identity. But different than high school love, because it's deep and I'm proud - everyone in a 50 mile radius knows how I feel about Steinvic.

But the biggest difference between this love and those past versions of love is that this love is wise. I recognize the amazing good in Steinvic as a person, appreciate his patience, cherish the fact that our relationship is in no way boring but also isn't full of drama and angst. We have fun , plenty in common, and enjoy future planning and sharing, all with no fear that either of us going to eventually be hurt. If we argue - surprise - we're still there for each other the next day and we just move on. He puts up with my quirks, which probably makes him eligible for sainthood. We support each other and rush to each other with good news and confide in each other over bad news, and we both listen intently...such a treasure! (Did I mention that he is absolutely gorgeous?!)

Here is to Valentine's Day, and really any day, when we can take some time to think about where we've been, what we have, and all the things we can look forward to...