Tuesday, November 17, 2015


I stopped by here, looking for something I needed from a long time ago.

I remember deleting a zillion posts at one point and starting over. I wish I hadn't done that. Silly or not, they were my thoughts at one time.

Now they're gone.

I looked at aaaaaaaaaaaaall the links on the right...sites I used to visit regularly, clinging to the words of the author, excited when there was new content to read, slightly disappointed when there wasn't. Now, many of those sites are defunct.

Kind of like this one.

I kept a regular blog at myfitnesspal.com, mostly about weightloss and health, but sometimes about personal awareness or epiphanies, but I've stopped writing there, too.

I could blame work, but that isn't fair. My job is all kinds of awesome. I got promoted last year and I love the work I'm doing and the people I'm working with.

I realize that I have ZERO creative outlets right now. I am not writing, making poetry, sewing, painting. Nada.

And that means I'm only half-living. And I have no one to blame for that besides myself.

So, if I write it, it's true: Starting now, I am going to get back to it. I'm going to post here regularly and I'm going to start making art again.

That's that.

Thursday, March 19, 2015


I haven't forgotten about this place.

I sometimes think I have something clever or substantial to say. But while I may blather on in a slightly annoying way when I've had a cocktail or two, I haven't felt chatty. I haven't felt like writing anything personal.

Sometimes I begin and then I delete.

Twice I had a whole post written out and when I went to publish, got an error. Who knows...that could happen momentarily and even this post will be lost!

On the chance that it isn't...my life has changed. (Of course it has.)

And some things haven't changed...Steinvic and I continue to improve our little home and dream of a bigger one. We love our Houdini. He is four now and makes us just as happy today as on day one.

I keep working out and watching my intake and wondering why I am still not a size 8. But I'm happy with my fitness and in general, with myself. Because I am starting to realize that even if you're on your way somewhere, you have to love where you are now.

The most significant change is that Steinvic and I are finally in one home... in the same place, full-time! But it comes at a cost...he got a new supervisor in August of 2013, who is a complete bag and nixed his working remotely for part of each week. She wanted him in Columbus five days a week - two hours away - with no compensation for his four-hour daily commute or stipend to stay somewhere when he was there. Further, we didn't get married to be apart all of the time, and so he accepted severance and ended his employment. We banked on  him finding a job quickly.

The job part hasn't happened yet, but it's not for a lack of trying and we're managing. But I know its hard on him. A few times, I've freaked out over worrying about our finances. We talk it out and we get through it together...it makes me proud because that is what real couples do. He is still diligently looking and I, perhaps in part out of fear, I dug in deeper at work and got promoted for it. Several times. I saw holes and offered to fill them. I am fortunate that my employer thought I was qualified and gave me the chance. I'm reminded to always step up, even if I'm not fully certain about the opportunity for rewards...and even if sometimes the reward is just knowing you've truly, fully applied yourself.

So, when Steinvic does land a job, we'll be in really good shape. This will be a first for us...each coming from relationships where we willingly gave up possessions in exchange for freedom or peace, we haven't been as financially comfortable as two hard working people should be. It will be nice to feel settled. But more, we're so damn lucky to have each other.

Young Man has all but graduated from college and he is just exactly where he should be in life...on his own, independent, hard-working and figuring out what he'll do next. It's satisfying to see the man he's grown into over the 11 years his dad and I have been together. He's so talented and has so much promise.

I read this update and it sounds a little weary. And I guess I am tired. I'm grateful, though. I need to do a better job of finding time to be creative and to relax. But what is required now, and what I am celebrating, is pushing myself a little harder and a little further, in all elements of my life.

If I don't, how do I know what I might become?