Monday, May 30, 2011


We entertained this weekend, and that was good. J got to meet our pup finally, and we had been looking forward to that for some time... Nice to have our house tidy and show off some culinary skills. And tonight, the parents came for was good, too...

But tough for me. This might be a post I later delete, but for tonight, I vent. And it seems petty, as we watch a documentary about the Civil War and slavery, I feel stupid for letting a few comments reduce me to tears.

I am not lazy. I can say that this weekend alone, I have maybe sat a total of four hours. I have cooked and cleaned, happily working hard to make our house feel more like a home. I have managed to get bike rides in, totaling 14 miles over the last three days. Mopping, dusting, cooking, primping.

But one comment, one conversation, demolishes all the pride and self confidence I work so hard for. And I know she didn't mean to be mean...

I am not a ten on the outside. I know it. I don't need a mirror or a scale to tell me I have work to do and I am doing it. But I also don't need anyone to point my obvious shortcomings to me, especially when I am working so hard to look perfect.

I have a husband and a pup who think I hung the moon.

When the person who brought you into the world lets you know you aren't up to par, nothing you or those you treasure think makes that okay. So...tonight, I am trying to listen to my potential.

We are not all a size 2 naturally. I once was, when all I did was drink and smoke, and still pulled 45 minutes on the stairmaster 6 days a week.

I would say that at 5' 7'', 110 lbs, I was the unhealthiest I have ever been. But I "looked good."

I am still tall and very, very strong, but I weigh a lot more. A recent health assessment puts all my numbers at perfect. Except my weight. And I am working on it. But damn if none of that matters tonight.

This moment, I may as well be a giant cow who eats everything she wishes with abandon...not a pescaterian who avoids sugar and processed foods, and works out regularly.

Words. They suck and they sink. I am searching for my own to keep floating.

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