Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Two Weeks

Wow...two weeks and I haven't posted a thing here.

I've thought about it, but I almost never get on the computer at home, can't really post from work and it seems like every single second of my life recently has been occupied.

When I'm not at work, I'm running errands.

When I'm not running errands I'm doing wash.

When I'm not doing wash, I may be sitting down, sewing something (yep, I'm finally opening an Etsy site for my craftiness) but then I'm stopping to get the wash or check on something that is cooking or or or.

When I'm not doing that, I'm trying to jam in 30 minutes of exercise so I can look and feel better.

And work...I'm so grateful for my job, but work has become increasingly difficult. Stressful. Increased level of intensity for projects. I got a promotion recently and while that has nothing to do with my new projects (here you do the work first, then get promoted), I don't have the normal spring to my step I would after receiving recognition. I work with a few people who don't value my input and push back on every suggestion, even though providing input and guidance is what I'm paid to do.

I'm just at that whiny, cranky point where I don't feel like I'm good at a thing and I don't feel especially valued. I don't feel attractive or clever or talented.

Before you go handing me the jumbo-sized bottle of Midol, that's not it. And I'm not depressed, either. I just feel...disappointed.

I count my blessings. Steinvic...my heart! The most handsome, patient, witty, creative, loving man in the world. And he married me. ME! I am so fortunate to have him in my life. His son, Young Man...such a magnificent person who makes us both beam at the very mention of his name. My Mom and her husband. Fantasticly generous and loving people! The big family that Steinvic has given me. Our health. J and a few other good friends and loads of lovely acquaintences that keep things light and interesting. A good job. A solid roof over our heads. We've got so much to be thankful for and I am thankful. I really am.

But that doesn't stop this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't cease. I'm not satisfied and I don't know what it is that is missing. My verve...poof! Gone.

I kind of feel like...you know when you're driving somewhere you've never been before and you've got directions and you're following them as best you can...holding that little scrap of paper, glancing at it ever so often, while trying to watch where you're going and drive safely, too? And you're following along and suddenly come to a spot in the road where the directions are kind of murky and it tells you to veer one way but the road you're seeing isn't exactly as described on paper? So you do what you think you're supposed to do and about ten minutes in realize that you've gone the wrong way. You actually feel it in the pit of your stomach before you notice that none of the landmarks on the directions match and then once you've made that realization, your face gets a little hot and you feel a bit panicky and you hope you're able to get turned around and headed in the right direction again...

Know that feeling? Me, too. And I've been cranky (sorry, Steinvic...) and a little short-tempered and mega-sensitive...just a wreck. Not my usual self at all. And maybe that is why I feel like I suck at everything right now...I'm not doing anything joyfully.

I'll shake it, I know I will. But in case you wondered why I've been so quiet, I'm just working to sort things out...

My goals for today? To take deep breaths and make a delicious vegetarian Shepherd's Pie tonight. To happily welcome Steinvic home (yep, he had to spend Valentine's Day out of town...) and spend some time just being me. To keep sewing. To have as much fun at work as I can. To keep my chin up. That seems like a long list for today, but the motivation is in the doing, right?

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