Days and Days...

I had good intentions...fact of the matter is, I flat out haven't had time to post here!

Let's see...Thanksgiving was lovely. This is the first year in eight that we've had Thanksgiving in Cincinnati with my folks. It was just Steinvic, my Mom, my Stepdad, me and (of course) Houdini. No way we were leaving our little guy at home for his first Thanksgiving on this planet! We missed being with our Columbus side of the family, but it was still a really good day.

By the way...Houdini really likes turkey. I mean, REALLY likes it. Sadly, we've finally experience dog gas and we'll be limiting his turkey intake from here on out...

I cooked the green bean casserole (I put baby bellas, onion, red peppers and celery in my version, which I feel makes it taste a hell of a lot better than just plain green beans), mashed potatoes, rolls and I brought along something I've been meaning to try for a while: Field Roast. For my vegetarian friends out there, go ahead and give it a try. The Celebration Roast is very good and does not contain soy. I made a vegetarian gravy and basted it while heating and it was pretty tasty.

We are constantly aware of all the things we have to be thankful for...especially this year. Even though work is crazy for me these days (I mean, can barely leave my desk to go to the ladies' room crazy) and Steinvic is in Columbus more than we'd like, we're both lucky to have our jobs, health, home, family and each other. It's all worth it...

Friday, Young Man came for a visit, having spent Thanksgiving with his Mom. He joined us at our local and we had drinks, then we all came here for pizza and more visiting. Did we do any shopping on Friday, you ask? Steinvic went to the grocery for me, but that is as close as we got to shopping. Remember, I worked in retail for more than a decade, so the thought of being in a mall or in mall traffic or around people shopping does not appeal even a little bit. I stayed in all day Friday until we went out for drinks...yay! (Thank you, Steinvic!) And thank you for picking out this wonderful bone meant to keep Houdini busy...

And then there's yesterday...Young Man, Steinvic, Houdini and I did a pretty good job of chilling most of the day (sewing frenzy for me - hooray!) when Steinvic said something about golfing. I quickly found a course online and sent them on their way. I took the dog for a big walk then decorated our main floor for Christmas. It was just too nice of a day to waste indoors and I really wanted the two of them to go do something together. They brought home a tuna steak for me and regular steak for themselves and I grilled them on the patio...maybe one of the last decent days we'll have for that.

Now Young Man is on his way home, Houdini is looking for things to get into, and I'm feeling like I need to go do things, but don't feel like leaving the house! I can't believe how quickly this four-day weekend went, but it was all good.

I guess the Holiday Season is in full force now...especially since I've spent yesterday making Houdini a stocking, and all morning making him a Santa-style harness...photos to come!

Happy Birthday, Young Man

Dear Young Man -

Today, you are 21 years old. You've reached that milestone that most people can't wait to get to...seeing it off in the distance as something so far out of reach. The milestone that will make people recognize that you're officially an adult now.

But in my mind...for so long, you've been so mature. So responsible. Still a boy in some ways, but more often these last two years, when you talk about your music or school or jobs, you're a grown up.

You're vulnerable, but you're also finding your strengths. You're capable.

You are beginning to understand how this World works, but you are not willing to pass judgement upon it. You're still willing to give the World a chance. Don't ever stop. No matter what happens, please keep believing it is a magnificent, miraculous place.

You've seen relationships succeed and fail. You seem to do what you can to make relationships work...even if they are not what you originally thought they'd be, and that reminds me of your father. (It's a wonderful, diplomatic quality that I envy in a good way.)

You are open to new experiences. You aren't cynical. You are very, very smart and you're discovering that there isn't really anything you can't do, if you try your best.

You aren't a jerk. That is a funny way to phrase a compliment, isn't it? But I mean to say it just like that because I see some very jerky people your age and my age. I have never seen you do anything mean to anyone...you have no spite. You tease, but you tease gently. You would never pass over into cruel. Instead, you're careful and considerate. This is a rare quality and you (and your Dad who also possesses it) don't realize just how rare it is because there are some seriously selfish bastards out there. I'm so glad you aren't one of them!

I know I had nothing to do with raising you, Young Man. You have fantastic parents, and you were well on your way to being the person you are now when I met you seven years ago.

But I have so enjoyed becoming your friend and watching you navigate your teen years, and I'm grateful that I was there for all of it. Those years can be really tough. You got through it all so gracefully and bravely. And you had fun. I will, my whole life, remember how inspiring and amazing it has been to watch you find your music and to follow your dreams.

I'm proud of you. I'm proud to be a part of your family and I'm proud to be your friend. My life didn't unfold in a way that allowed me to biologically have a son, but I couldn't even imagine one better than you. And I couldn't love you any more, if you were my very own.

Happy Birthday to you, and here's to many, many more.

Love,
me

Music

The cold...it lingers and lingers. Have you ever been sick yet determined to not miss out on something really special?

I took an extra dose of non-drowsy medication. I breathed deeply. I ignored the bad hair day I was having and walked tall, telling myself that I won't be defeated by a silly, stupid headcold.

I drove to Columbus, listening all the way to cheerful music to help propell myself into the right mindset.

I arrived and hugged my husband in a way that hopefully prevented the transferrence of germs. And then made happy chat with any friends or family who would listen, acknowledging that yes, I have a cold and sure, I'll be OK.

We found Young Man and he was nervous and smiling and happy we were there. His Mom suprised him by returning early from a business trip just to see him perform and he was thrilled. (And so devoted that she did this knowing she'll have to make the four-hour flight back to that business trip this morning...wow!) He had a few other fans to cheer him on along with us - his aunt, uncle, cousin and friends, his half-siblings and his girlfriend.

We tucked into our rows down front, all of us there for the same reason - we love him.

And he played. He played by himself and he played with friends. He played five songs and we hung on every beat of his drums, every plink of the vibraphone, every tsk of the symbols.

Young man was fantastic. All those hours of studying and practicing and listening to music have paid off.

I'm so proud that his Dad encouraged him to follow his dreams. I like how his dreams sound. His dreams weave music. And that music makes people smile and applaud. He has a purpose and he's discovered it and it's a privelige to witness...and hear.

So, for a few hours, I forgot about being sick. Music has the power to do that, too - make you forget about your cares...and your sore throat.

Weekend Update

Sooooo...we headed for Columbus on Saturday after work to take care of some family-type things.

We've got someone in our flock who is down on his luck and trying to start over, and so last week, Steinvic activated bought a pre-paid phone for him and we covered the first month's minutes, too. We were headed north to deliver the phone and see Young Man while we were in town, too. Our plan included whooping it up at the place where we had our reception, as well as stopping into our favorite local bar there, and then spending the night.

I'd Pricelined a room in advance and snagged a good hotel using the "Name Your Own Price" feature and paid only $50! We were stoked.

And then we were especially stoked because Steinvic realized it was the Arnold Sports Festival weekend and the hotel we'd booked was like right across from the event. The going rate for a similar room there was $299...wow!

So, we dropped off the phone to our family member and decided to check into our room before meeting Young Man for dinner. I hopped inside only to learn that we did not have a reservation for this weekend. It was for NEXT weekend. DUH...

We still met Young Man, which was lovely, and stopped by our local, but I volunteered to be the DD and drove us clear back to West Chester around 8.

While we didn't get to have the yii-haa we hoped for, it was still a nice night and it was so good to be in our own bed...

...and we get to do it all over again THIS weekend! Plus, it's the weekend before St. Patrick's Day, and the festivities always start early in Columbus...

Christmas Recovery

We had a great Holiday. Steinvic and I celebrated on Christmas Eve – just us. We had cocktails at our local, a fabulous cheese & cracker and homemade soup feast at home, and then exchanged gifts and fell asleep on the couch during “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

We were lazy on Christmas Day until time to go to my folks, and Young Man and Girlfriend met us there. One of my (distant by logistics only) older cousins (she’s English, and 80 going on 50-something) was also there, and her love of music and sparkly personality kept the kids smiling. Young Man and my Mom bonded over their love for jazz records and made a date to get together to compare and share vinyl soon.

The kids, Steinvic and I all headed home and had our own Christmas there, sharing stories and joking in the kitchen while I made appetizers for the day after celebration at Steinvic’s sister’s home. Suddenly, we realized it was 1 a.m. and that would have been fine, save for the kids needing to get up and head for Columbus REALLY early (6 a.m.!) so everyone was off to bed.

I woke up early to make strong coffee in travel mugs and pack up some blueberry muffins for the kids' long, dark commute home, then slept a wee bit more and then we were up to get ready and drive to Columbus. A full house – all siblings and their kids – gathered around big, beautiful tables for an Italian feast, which was fantastic. Then lots of drinking and visiting and finally sleep.

Then back home yesterday…and we’re worn out, and both back to work today. I’ve managed to get some kind of goofy sore throat, watery eyes funk, probably from all the running around I’ve been doing. Seems like my body has a cut off for how long I am permitted to burn the candle at both ends, and then BOOM – hello, cold! Just need to shake it before next week…we’re headed out West for a belated honeymoon!

It’s time to load up on the B12, B6 and Vitamin C…and relax!

No Babies

Two things happen when you’re a woman and you get married, and it doesn’t seem to matter if you’re 24 or 40. The first is that suddenly, everyone expects you to reproduce.

The second is that everyone loses their manners and openly asks you pretty direct questions about it, like, “When are you and Steinvic going to have a baby?”

If someone knows us well and asks us this, I don’t mind so much. I know that when family members ask, it’s because they love us and they all have kids and they think it would be super-cool-neato-mosquito for us to share the experience.

However, they momentarily forget that Steinvic and I are not young (we aren’t old, either, but for our comfort, a little too old to start our own family) and that Steinvic already has a wonderful son, Young Man.

So, those are the answers we give to the questioners. “We have a baby! He just happens to be 20 years old with a beard!” or “Nope, we don’t want to be the only 60 and 70 year old parents at graduation.” (Please note: I am not criticizing my fine 40 & up friends who choose to have children now. This is our personal preference for our lifestyle.)

However, if I’m honest, since getting married, a third thing has also happened: all of the well-rehearsed, sincere responses to the “when are you having babies?” questions have finally sunk in.

I actually now realize that I am not having children of my own.

I’m ok with this for many reasons. I’m not selfish, but I LOVE my free time and have no idea how I’d ever get away with simultaneously painting my toenails, watching girl stuff on TV and creating something artful between toe polish coats like I do now if I were a mother. (Of course I wash my hands after touching my toes – c’mon! I would not create art or anything else with feety hands.) I also know that I would be a complete wreck every time my child was not in my sight and I can’t imagine how edgy that would make me. I might be the kind of mom who got too involved. I might be too strict and expect too much of my child, or perhaps I’d be too permissive – either doing the same or exact opposite of my own upbringing. I might be a complete, psycho mess. I sometimes kid Steinvic, saying I’d be a crap mom, but what I’m really saying is that I don’t know if I could deal with the emotional challenges and major responsibilities of being a parent. I don’t think I’d abandon a child – even though it runs in my family – but I might do something worse for my child, like stay. (I know that sounds odd, but some people should not be parents.)

Not to mention that physically, I likely can’t have kids. (Which, by the way, is another one of the questions that near strangers ask that I really can’t believe: “What’s wrong?! Can’t you have kids?” with no pause or sensitivity whatsoever.) Since surgery, I’ve had about four years to get that through my head, even though I know that with the miracles of science or adoption, I might still have been able.

So, while I know that I’m not having babies, and I am logically fine with that and emotionally very happy to have Young Man in my life, it is bothering me, ever so slightly.

What has dawned on me recently is that I am realizing just what I’m missing. And maybe it isn’t marriage that has triggered it, but more things going on around me. That a good friend of mine – just my age – recently had a baby and plans to have another this year. Or that J’s kids are so wonderful and creative, with such great personalities…they really give her purpose and happiness. Or the way that Young Man looks at Steinvic sometimes. I see it and it goes straight through me – he really, really loves his Dad.

I will never know what it is like to love and be loved by someone who is part me and I won't have the chance to raise a person who could go into the world to experience life and love and do meaningful things. And I guess that realization is what is giving me a little pause.

But I’m okay. I realize that chapter is finished and for now, I think I’ll put a place marker there and set the book aside for a little while. Just long enough to rest my eyes. And then I can think about it again and about what I might do instead of parenting that could fill those pages.

Well On Our Way...

We're in a hotel room outside of Birmingham, Alabama. "We" includes me, Steinvic and Young Man. Young Man's friend flaked at the last minute, so it's just us three.

At first, I thought, "Crap...Young Man is going to be bored to tears the whole time, hanging out with 'just us.'"

And now that we're on our way, eight hours in, I'm happy that it's just us three. Young Man and I caught up on music, work, cars, society and all that on the way down. Steinvic hopped in back for the last third of the day and Young Man and I chattered away...before that we'd been yammering from the front/back seats.

Because I drove the whole 8 hours today! And I probably could have kept going, but I suddenly felt ready to get out of the car. Still, it was the easiest 8 hours in the car I've ever had.

Maybe it's because I'm so ready for this break.

Maybe it's because I'm so excited to share this place with Steinvic and Young Man.

Maybe it's becaus so often, I'm not in control of anything in my world, but this is a chance for me to have a heroine moment, where I can do something really great for the people I love most.

No matter the reason - let's not analyze it - we're about 4 hours away from our beach destination. We're going to take our time getting there, but by 3 tomorrow, we'll be there, checked in, comfortable, and taking in the beauty of a beach that I LOVE.

I'll let you know how it is when we get there...pictures and all.

Happy Birthday, Young Man...

Today is Steinvic's son's birthday... He is 20 today.

As hard as I imagine it is for his Mom and Dad to believe that he's 20, it's also kind of wild for me. When I met him, he was 13. Just a boy. And now...well, he's a Young Man.

He is smart, sensitive, creative, deep thinking, funny, playful, adventurous, thoughtful, talented, conscientious...a lot like his Dad.

And over these years, the coolest thing has happened: he has become my friend.

So, here's to you, Young Man... to all of the wonderful times you've had and the places you've seen so far, and to all of the amazing adventures you'll have in the future. I am so looking forward to listening to the music you bring to the world in everything you do. Happy Birthday...