Friday, July 31, 2009

An Open Letter to the Bathroom Fiends

Dear Unhygenic Dwellers of the Ladies' Room:

What in the hell is wrong with you? Seriously.

Maybe I'm happy that you didn't "clean up" the disgusting mess you left on the seat because at best, you'd have simply wiped it up with a wad of t.p. and your unsanitary germs would still be lingering on the seat, invisible to the naked eye (or butt.) At least this way, I visually know to avoid your stall (such an appropriate word choice in this case), supressing a gag while holding my breath and finding a better bathroom in which to pee.

No seat liner in the world can protect against your funk. Not even the two seat liners that I regularly use, even when employing "hover mode."

If I could go the entire day without peeing, I would. Believe me. But since I can't, do you think you could:
  • stop wiping yourself with the toilet seat?

  • flush?

  • look back at the toilet bowl to make sure that everything that should have gone away, actually did?

  • pick up the toilet paper you used and then discarded on the floor?

  • light a match?

  • stop making those strange grunting noises?

  • avoid using your cell phone while you're going to the bathroom?

  • wash your hands? (this includes using soap)

  • stop leaving puddles of mystery water on the sink surfaces?

  • pick up your paper towels off the floor after using them?
I know you're probably chanting, "OCD! OCD!" right now. But this isn't about obsession. It's about manners. You can totally live like a pig at home, but please pretend to have some class when you use the bathroom at work.

And that, my Bathroom Fiends, is all I have to say to you at this time.


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