Thursday, August 20, 2009
What it Feels Like...
Losing my Grandma so far is like that feeling you have when you think you've forgotten your wallet or lost your keys or cell phone.
That drop in the pit of your stomach.
That rush of heat across your face.
Only for me, I'm not getting the relief you feel when you realize that your keys are safe and sound in your jacket pocket, or that your cell phone is sitting right there on the car seat next to you.
I have been in touch with "The Sads" only in little waves at this point. Most of the time, I feel very little about anything.
I truly know people mean well, but if one more person tells me that I was lucky to have her for so long... it's not really an appropriate thing to say to someone who has a gaping hole in her chest.
No one seems to get that she was my friend. I take that back - Steinvic understands. He really does. It's such a relief to have one person on this planet understand me.
Monday, we'll gather for the memorial service. We'll bury her ashes next to my Grandfather at the cemetary. I haven't been there in years because I just never felt like he was there.
She requested that her ashes go inside a wooden box. Not an urn. Not any kind of decorative container. A box. Made of wood. But that is what she wanted and so that is what we've asked. I have a feeling that seeing a wooden box that contains what used to be my Grandma will be difficult, so I have been trying to prepare myself. But what do I do to prepare for something like this?
Tonight, I feel like a hiker with no compass. I'm looking at the treeline, breathing deeply for the scent of water...am I close to a stream? Should I stop for the night? I'm relying on the light from the sunset to hopefully help me find my way to a main road. But it's getting dark and I'm afraid.