Thursday, August 20, 2009

What it Feels Like...

Losing my Grandma so far is like that feeling you have when you think you've forgotten your wallet or lost your keys or cell phone.

That drop in the pit of your stomach.

That rush of heat across your face.

Only for me, I'm not getting the relief you feel when you realize that your keys are safe and sound in your jacket pocket, or that your cell phone is sitting right there on the car seat next to you.

I have been in touch with "The Sads" only in little waves at this point. Most of the time, I feel very little about anything.

I truly know people mean well, but if one more person tells me that I was lucky to have her for so long... it's not really an appropriate thing to say to someone who has a gaping hole in her chest.
No one seems to get that she was my friend. I take that back - Steinvic understands. He really does. It's such a relief to have one person on this planet understand me.

Monday, we'll gather for the memorial service. We'll bury her ashes next to my Grandfather at the cemetary. I haven't been there in years because I just never felt like he was there.

She requested that her ashes go inside a wooden box. Not an urn. Not any kind of decorative container. A box. Made of wood. But that is what she wanted and so that is what we've asked. I have a feeling that seeing a wooden box that contains what used to be my Grandma will be difficult, so I have been trying to prepare myself. But what do I do to prepare for something like this?

Tonight, I feel like a hiker with no compass. I'm looking at the treeline, breathing deeply for the scent of I close to a stream? Should I stop for the night? I'm relying on the light from the sunset to hopefully help me find my way to a main road. But it's getting dark and I'm afraid.


Ms. Pants said...

I get it. I have no words to offer to make that hole shrink up a bit because I get it. And I'm sorry. It's going to hurt for a bit. There will be days when you feel like you're making progress, only to fall apart completely soon after. And it's okay. Do it. The best way out is through, even though that's usually the hardest and most painful way as well.

Have you considered keeping a small portion of her ashes so that you can have a bit of her with you? I knew a woman years ago whose son had lost a hard battle with Leukemia. She kept some of his ashes in a little pouch around her neck (yes, I know), and when she found a place she thought he'd really like, she's sprinkle some of the ashes there so that he could be a part of that space. I always liked the idea of that. (Of course, I also love the idea of the LifeGem diamonds.)

Tangents & Tangles said...

Thank you so much... I really appreciate what you've said. It makes a difference.

Hmmm...I had not considered that about her ashes. I am struggling with the whole thing...the whole body-vessel-spirit thing troubles me. I can't even put it into words...but something about her body being incinerated seems kind of... Well, I don't like the idea of embalming/burying either. I think I'd like to be shot into the sun! Theh LifeGem idea is interesting to me, but I don't know that I could go through with it. I think my whole family wants her ashes to be right next to my Grandpa, because that is what she wanted. Tomorrow...

fallingrocket said...

I am so very sorry to hear about your grandmother! I wish there was something I could say or do to make the pain go away, but I can't. All I can say is, I have an idea of what you're going through. Last sunday I had to put my dog of 14 years to sleep. I keep going through feelings of numbness to the dropped-heart feeling you so perfectly described.
It's natural to hurt, and it's going to hurt for a while. but I'm sure your grandma would want you to be happy, so it will be OK to laugh again someday. or at least that's what i keep telling myself about sparky.
anyway, i don't know if any of this made sense, I'm still reeling from his death and my mind feels muddled (among other things)
Hang in there! <3<3<3 *giant hug*