Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Catch Up Post

I was going to start this post by saying, "I've been busier than a..." and then I thought, "than a what?" This made me google the phrase and there are some giggly endings to that sentence out there. However, what made actually laugh was The Urban Dictionary's definition of "busier than a two-peckered billy goat" which was "Incredibly busy in an aggressive fashion." Yes, yes...that is exactly what that means. The definitions on that site get me more than the slang does...

So, yeah, I've been busy. Had some delicious down time this weekend...Steinvic came home on Friday and we actually slept in on Saturday morning. How awesome was that?! I mean, I've had tons of fun running around and doing things the last two weeks, but I'm definitely feeling it. We watched The Big Lebowski on Saturday - AWESOME movie! Steinvic bought the 10th Anniversary Edition for me as part of an anniversary gift to me...we celebrated five years last month. (Best five years of my life, and that's a fact...)

Recovering from the Austin trip, both physically and fiscally, and enjoying thinking of the fun we had and people we met. I like Austin and I think we'll go back there some day...

And we celebrated my sweet Grandma's 91st birthday on Sunday. Her actual birthday was yesterday and I went to visit her at the community. I knew she'd have a full day of phone calls and visitors, but it was her actual day, I was free, and I just couldn't let it pass without giving her a hug and a kiss and telling her how proud of her I am. She knew I was coming...

I walked in the door to the main hallway on the residence floor and a man (his wife resides there) was pushing my grandma down the hall in her wheelchair, from the dining room. When I walked in, she was about three feet from me. She looked right into my eyes and I just felt it...she had no idea who I was.

A nurse (who my Grandma happened to have as a student a zillion years ago when my Grandma taught first grade) said, "Look who is here to see you!" And I was like, "Hi, Grandma!" And finally she just said, "Oh!" and it was like it registered...

It's not that my feelings are hurt...I'm not that sensitive...not like she was intentionally not recognizing me. I mean, I talk to her every day of my life, see her every single week and had just seen her the night before...so not recognizing me is like her not recognizing her own hands. It doesn't make sense.

The man who was wheeling her - total sweetheart - just patted my shoulder and said, "I'll turn her over to you..."

I said, "Are ya okay, Grandma?" and started wheeling her down toward her room. The nurse just kind of rolled her eyes and smiled at me like, "What was that about?"

Grandma said, rather indignant, actually, "I didn't recognize your blouse."

No...that isn't it. This happened once before...a year or so ago, and it felt the same way...like it was a flicker of something coming, as though there is something there that we're not seeing all the time, or that she is fighting. Because her mind really is her most precious possession. She is educated, smart, remembers EVERYTHING, works crosswords and word games daily, plays Scrabble and wins. She is proud, so very proud, of her mind and has often said to me that if she can't be the way she is (with it) she doesn't want to be here any more.

I'm praying that she was just tired from an exciting day, or that she really was just focused on my blouse. I'm hoping that's it because I really don't know if I could handle watching her mind desinigrate. The body is one thing that we can count on failing, and we can predict just how it will crumble. But the mind? I don't know how I could watch her suffer.

So, I asked the nurse on my way out, "What do you make of that?" She said, "I don't know. I've never seen her do that before..." and then she had to take a phone call.

I'm so lucky to have my grandmother. Really nothing more to say...

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