Monday, June 29, 2009

Monday Again & It's Not Too Late...

Somehow, it's Monday again. I don't know how it happens...Steinvic and I will be coasting along to the grooves of a perfectly lovely weekend, wind in our hair, sun in our faces, enjoying our time and then CRASH! It's Monday. I wake to the buzz-song of my cell phone alarm, see that it's 4:45 a.m., curse the dense, cruel darkness and begin my day.

It was an exceptionally good weekend. It was a weekend spent listening to his son play in a jazz trio at a local pizza shop, enjoying family time, meeting our new great-niece and yesterday, taking a nice walk to the grocery, cooking pan pizzas and watching SNL's 25th anniversary on DVD.

The little things...I live for them. Love them deeply.

Yesterday, while chopping veggies for salad, a documentary about comedy was keeping me company. I don't know the name of the special, but the comics featured were the from silent films on. I grew up knowing that my Grandma attended Sherwood Music School in Chicago at the same time that Phyllis Diller attended. They had some classes together and were dear friends. And like all dear friends of school age, they drifted apart (though their paths have happily, briefly crossed a few times since.) But I've always known that Phyllis was special, loved her laugh, and through her books, kind of knew her personal story.

But during the comedy special, something struck me. The show was talking about Phyllis and her comedy career and I suddenly heard the voice over say that Phyllis was 37 when she performed comedy for the first time.

And I suddenly felt a great weight lifted from my shoulders. I mean, comedy is what she is known for and she didn't start that part of her journey until she was 37? It's not too late!!

I am 37, and for the longest time, I've had a great sense of torment because I feel as though my life is not completely my own. That I'm not fully in control. That I'm being carried along. That even though I'm really, really busy, I'm wasting it somehow because I haven't found my One Thing. That even though I'm fulfilled in SO many ways, I'm not fully contributing. These thoughts stress me out...seriously. Like, I don't show it or complain about it, but it worries me! And it makes me a little sad - just a little - in the same way you'd feel if, age 8, your favorite Matchbox car careened right into the sewer.

And I know I'm talented at something. I really do. I just don't know what it is!

(I do know, however, what it isn't: It's not dancing, playing the piano/guitar/concertina and it might not be poetry. It probably isn't painting. And I won't ever be a runway model - not that I've tried it - but my nose has been broken at least twice and I'm not tall or thin enough.)

Now, I'm sure that Phyllis Diller knew that she wanted to be a performer her whole life (thus, Sherwood Music School) and that it all just started coming together at 37, but it's still comforting to me.

I don't know what I want to be at 37, but I know I want to be something.

So, yeah...Phyllis Diller kind of started life over at my age and it looks to me as though she's had a blast.

NOTE: I don't want a different life, mind you! I LOVE so many things about my life - I am blessed as well as making my own blessings.

It's just...while I don't want to change who I am, I want to change what I can do. I'm not trying to "find myself" (I don't like when people say's like, ::pinch!:: You're right here!) or anything all existential. But it's time to find my One Thing and then enrich my life and the lives of my loved ones by doing that One Thing really, really well.

Here's to figuring it all out...and enjoying the thrill of the hunt!

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